The Rutabaga has recently received a copy of a mysterious tape made - according to an anonymous source who calls themself "The Outrigger" - at a meeting of BIPARTISAN, a group who The Outrigger claims exists to keep political power of the United States solely in the hands of the Democrats and Republicans. We submit the entire transcript of the tape below for your perusal.
NANCY PELOSI: Hear ye! Hear ye! (gavel bangs twice) I hereby bring to order this meeting of BIPARTISAN.
(sounds of conversation continue in the background)
NANCY PELOSI: (gavel bangs) Shut it, folks! (more gavel banging)
(background conversation slowly dies down)
NANCY PELOSI: Thank you. I hereby bring to order this meeting of BIPARTISAN-
JOHN BOEHNER: You already said that, Nancy.
NANCY PELOSI: (slight hesitation) ...the Bucolic Inter-Party Action Response Team Impeding Success of Alternate National Political Parties-
All (chanting): It Is Not A Perfect Acronym But Good Enough For Government Work.
NANCY PELOSI: Hear! Hear! Okay... (sound of papers rustling) ...the first order of business tonight is-
HARRY REID: Come on! We all know what we want to talk about!
ERIC CANTOR: Yeah! Let's get to it.
(background sounds of "yes" "hear hear" and "yeah")
CHRIS VAN HOLLEN: Come on, Nancy. This affects all of us.
NANCY PELOSI: Fine. (large sigh) Fine. Let's talk about the next politically induced, media-hyped crisis term.
MITCH MCCONNELL: Damn straight! I can't work with this latest so-called "grand bargain!"
HARRY REID: Me either! We're supposed to be painting the other side as thoughtless monsters bent on the destruction of the American way of life...no offense-
JOHN BOEHNER: None taken.
HARRY REID: And using terms like "grand bargain" makes it sound like we can all get along!
ERIC CANTOR: I couldn't agree more!
(light laughter)
ERIC CANTOR: John and I had to go on Fox News the other day and say "grand bargain" while discussing what we were going to do to Obama. We just can't do that! I had to throw in three extra "entitlements" just to sound like I wasn't trying to work with him!
NANCY PELOSI: Hey! It's no walk in the park for me, either. I had to go on CNN and use "bargain" and "Boehner" in the same sentence - my approval rating dropped 6 points!
JOHN BOEHNER: To cut to the chase, we need more politically divisive terminology.
HARRY REID: John's right. If we sound like we're starting to look toward bargaining and compromise our constituents might actually think we can all get along. Getting along leads to consensus and consensus leads to contentment and contentment leads to-
NANCY PELOSI: Easy there, Harry.
HARRY REID: (big sigh) We just can't have it.
MITCH MCCONNELL: I miss the good old nomenclature...you know..."entitlement," "bailout," "torture-"
ERIC CANTOR: "Fiscal cliff-"
CHRIS VAN HOLLEN: Ooo, that was a good one. Who came up with that one again?
RICK PERRY: It was me.
CHRIS VAN HOLLEN: Well done!
(murmurs of agreement and clapping)
NANCY PELOSI: Why, Rick, I do believe you're blushing.
ERIC CANTOR: And "sequestration"-
HARRY REID: Um, I was never actually a fan of that one.
MITCH MCCONNELL: Yeah, me either. It was too confusing. No one knew what it actually meant. It was too big a word...lessened its impact.
HARRY REID: That's right. We have to stick with something smaller, say three syllables or less.
MITCH MCCONNELL: Or two.
ERIC CANTOR: Two syllables or less.
HARRY REID: I make a motion that all future divisive political terminology must have two syllables or less per word.
JOHN BOEHNER: Seconded.
NANCY PELOSI: (bangs gavel) There's a motion on the floor for all divisive political terminology to have no more than two syllables per word. Those in favor?
(chorus of "ayes")
NANCY PELOSI: Opposed?
BERNIE SANDERS: Nay!
(booing)
CHRIS VAN HOLLEN: What's he doing here anyway?
HARRY REID: Yeah! Why's he here?
MITCH MCCONNELL: Remember? We invite a token Independent to make sure we're on the right track?
CHRIS VAN HOLLEN: Oh yeah.
NANCY PELOSI: (banging gavel) The motion carries.
JOHN BOEHNER: (chuckling) Good thing we don't do things that quickly in congress, hey?
MITCH MCCONNELL: Come on, John, you make that same joke every time we carry a motion here.
HARRY REID: That still doesn't solve the problem of what our next politically divisive term is going to be.
ERIC CANTOR: How about "yawning chasm?"
JOHN BOEHNER: I don't know. I like "chasm" to describe the difference between Democrats and Republicans but "yawning" makes us sound boring.
MITCH MCCONNELL; How about "murder death kill?"
RICK PERRY: You mean like in that Stallone movie?
ERIC CANTOR: (laughing) I'll be back!
HARRY REID: That was Arnold, wasn't it?
ERIC CANTOR: Oh.
NANCY PELOSI: And are we supposed to be for "murder death kill" or against it?
MITCH MCCONNELL: Hmmm...
RICK PERRY: I think we have to get back to basics here, folks. What do y'all think of "political time bomb."
CHRIS VAN HOLLEN: Ooo, I like it.
HARRY REID: Me too!
JOHN BOEHNER: But it goes against our two syllable rule.
HARRY REID: I make a motion that we ignore our previous two syllable rule.
JOHN BOEHNER: Seconded.
NANCY PELOSI: (bangs gavel) There's a motion on the floor that we ignore our previous two syllable rule. All in favor?
(chorus of "ayes")
NANCY PELOSI: Opposed?
BERNIE SANDERS: Nay!
(booing and hisses and blowing raspberries)
NANCY PELOSI: Very well. The motion carries.
JOHN BOEHNER: (chuckling) Good thing we don't do things that quickly in congress, hey?
(background groaning)
NANCY PELOSI: You hit another one out of the park, Rick. Good job.
MITCH MCCONNELL: Wait! How about "budget buster?"
ERIC CANTOR: Now that is good.
JOHN BOEHNER: With "budget" it lets us focus on peoples' financial fears that we've been playing on for years-
NANCY PELOSI: And "buster" has that slight hint of danger about it, like it could go off at any moment taking the whole works with it.
CHRIS VAN HOLLEN: (whistles) That's just beautiful, man.
RICK PERRY: Aaaaaand it has that snappy alliterative quality to it.
ERIC CANTOR: "Budget buster"...it's a winner.
(sound of chairs scraping the floor and applause)
NANCY PELOSI: Order! (gavel banging) Order! Take your seats!
(applause dies down and sounds of settling in)
NANCY PELOSI: "Budget buster" it is. Now, if there's no other business...Hear ye! Hea-
JOHN BOEHNER: Wait! Who's causing the "budget buster" and who's fighting it?
MITCH MCCONNELL: That's the beauty of it, we can all be against the "budget buster" and we can all blame the other side.
CHRIS VAN HOLLEN: And our positions won't be as scripted for us like they were for "fiscal cliff" or "sequestration" - we can riff! We can wing it! Democrats can play their "everyman" card while Republicans can do their "small government" thing on this one.
NANCY PELOSI: That's right, play to your strengths, people.
(background "ooo" "that's good" "very well done" "nice" and clapping)
NANCY PELOSI: And we'll work out the rest of the details at the next meeting. We've run out of time.
JOHN BOEHNER: Oh my goodness! How'd it get so late?
NANCY PELOSI: Hear ye! Hear ye! (gavel bangs twice) This meeting of BIPARTISAN, the Bucolic Inter-Party Action Response Team Impeding Success of Alternate National Political Parties-
ALL (chanting): It Is Not A Perfect Acronym But Good Enough For Government Work.
NANCY PELOSI: Hear! Hear!...is at an end.
(gavel bangs)
